Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
