Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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