Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
