sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
