i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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