The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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