It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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