i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
