smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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