Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
