All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
