you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
