i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
