so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I checked into jail on foursquare
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
