Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
