Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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