I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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