Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I got her a Nickelback box set.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
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