all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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