she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
