i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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