don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
i came on her dog
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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