new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
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