just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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