I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
