you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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