Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
