I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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