I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
