I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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