Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
