Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
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