Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
