I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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