why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize