It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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