trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
someone owes me an orgasm
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
