pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Also, beer. Big fan.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
