I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
