so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I looked at my own cervix.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
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