Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
