dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
