I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize