Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
