Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
