I CAN MOONWALK!
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
