I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
