I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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