when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
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