Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
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