i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Randomize
