So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
