But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
