I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
