I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
