I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Randomize
