Hey man sorry I got all grabby
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
