remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
