I just threw up on my dentist
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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