Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
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