I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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