I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
